


rounded edges

by fated_addiction



Category: K-pop, Korean Actor RPF, Real Person Fiction, SM Entertainment | SMTown, So Nyuh Shi Dae | Girls' Generation, 소녀시대 | Girls' Generation | SNSD
Genre: Angst, F/F, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-30
Updated: 2017-12-30
Packaged: 2019-02-23 21:45:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,574
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13199163
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fated_addiction/pseuds/fated_addiction
Summary: "jessica is your emergency contactstill?"or that time taeyeon tries to make sense of her life choices. and, you know, fails.





	rounded edges

**Author's Note:**

> All I can say is that ALCOHOL MADE ME DO IT AND OOPS. Because it's the truth.

-

 

 

 

 

"jessica is your emergency contact _still_?"

hyoyeon stares at taeyeon like she's totally lost it. and sure, okay, the verdict's still out - she probably is better at keeping it together. sort of.

she sighs too. "i should probably change that."

"sorry," hyoyeon blinks. stares at the paper on the table. "i'm trying to reconcile the fact that... jessica jung, someone _you_ haven't talked to in - let's just call it a really long time - is your non-familial emergency contact. and it's not tiffany?"

"tiffany doesn't like blood," taeyeon mumbles. looks away. pretends to look around the near empty dorm which, if anything, has transformed into hyoyeon's own apartment. her fingers travel over a hallway table.

"that doesn't matter! does she know?"

taeyeon sighs again. "yes."

a startled, coarse laugh erupts from hyoyeon's mouth. it's abrupt and she covers her mouth with a hand. the piece of paper on the table is really what started this. it's several years old; reads company information only in big, bold letters and hyoyeon was the one that called. you need this, she had said. stop by! she had said that too. but it was taeyeon that admitted that nothing has changed.

hyoyeon blinks. "does jessica know?" she asks and taeyeon was hoping she wouldn't. "because... this is like a big deal."

"she hasn't had to." taeyeon shakes her head. her hands rub over her jeans and she forces herself to start wandering the apartment. "i should probably get that changed," she says off-handedly.

"you _think_?"

"stop."

hyoyeon snorts. "stop what?" she asks. "telling you that this is crazy and unfair and yelling at you to be more responsible with your life choices but also that you can't go and blind someone with this?"

an uncomfortable flush burns taeyeon's face.

"i haven't gone to the hospital for anything too serious," she tries to downplay, ignoring hyoyeon when she curses and rolls her eyes. "i mean it!" taeyeon pushes at her arm. "i'll change it."

"uh-huh," hyoyeon says. ducks when taeyeon tries to push her arm again. "it's your life or whatever."

and this is as far as they go. talking about it.

 

 

 

 

 

 

there's an actual story behind it. jessica becoming taeyeon's emergency contact. these days, she really can't remember it. mostly because they haven't talked to each other in what feels like years. (it's been _years_.) and because when taeyeon is pissed, she holds grudges. (big time grudges.) this part is clear cut at least.

it still takes her too long to pick up the phone. she knows jessica probably knows. probably because hyoyeon is the one that found that stupid, irresponsible slip of paper that belonged to taeyeon and not yuri. or god, sooyoung at least. and hyoyeon was the first to talk to jessica. she knows there's tiffany and sunny too. but she doesn't ask. she doesn't know how to ask.

but then jessica calls.

"what are you doing?"

taeyeon blinks. stares around her apartment. "excuse me?"

"what are you doing?" jessica repeats, and there is a haphazard string of christmas lights that is starting to peel off her wall.

"decorating," taeyeon finishes lamely. "finally?"

"you don't sound sure." there's a laugh. "actually, you don't sound sure at all. and besides, christmas is over?"

"you caught me off guard."

jessica laughs. "i'm good at that," she teases, and taeyeon is going to ignore the fact that she has a google search with _jessica jung_ and _irene kim_ because that's a thing. it's definitely a thing.

"i didn't know you had my number still," taeyeon mutters. 

"it's a new number," jessica replies breezily. taeyeon can almost see her shrug. "and hyoyeonnie told me i should call you. actually, she told me that i'm still your emergency contact and that i should talk to you about that. because... you know."

"i know."

they fall into a silence. it's not uncomfortable. just awkward. and for a minute, taeyeon takes in the fact that they're talking. that they're actually talking and this isn't a passing acknowledgment. it feels weird. mostly, it's more than that too; she's missed jessica, quietly, desperately _missed_ jessica. and it's something she's never really been able to reconcile.

taeyeon moves out of her living room to her kitchen, to the thousands of baking sheets that liter her counter and a pile of mail that sits by her back door. she picks up the old, offending emergency contact page and stares at it in her hand.

"i -"

jessica beats her to it. "come over," she says. "let's talk."

"are you sure?" taeyeon swallows. "that it's a good idea?" she adds.

it feels like she's talking with her ex. although, taeyeon hasn't ever been this cordial with any of her exes. or this nervous. she imagines jessica. then stops, closes her eyes, and exhales.

jessica still laughs laughs. the sound is warm.

"has it ever been?"

 

 

 

 

 

 

the problem is: there's never been any hesitation when it comes to jessica. on jessica's part too. but for taeyeon, she always _reacts_. if jessica fights her, she's angry. immediately. if jessica was hurt, sad - she put herself there. when jessica decided it was time to go, no matter how any of them reacted, no matter it went down, taeyeon was there. prompt. and betrayed.

the problem is: jessica is still jessica and taeyeon is still taeyeon.

and this is how she steps into jessica's apartment. not meeting her gaze, but looking around nervously for soojung. because both jung sisters are a lot at once, something that taeyeon isn't ready to handle just yet. jessica is talking though. says things about the weather. apologizes for the state of the apartment even everything is completely in place. unlike taeyeon's. 

"it's pretty in here," taeyeon says finally. rubs the back of her neck and bites her lip. "as expected," she adds, and there are high ceilings, wide windows, and a view of the city that is entirely too romantic, but jessica nonetheless.

jessica shrugs. "i know." she smiles wistfully. "i feel like i don't get to enjoy it as much though." she laughs a little too. "but being busy is really good too... so i guess i can't complain too much."

"it suits you."

"it suits soojungie," jessica corrects. "there's more of her here than me. appropriately so."

taeyeon points to the flowers. "you two are more similar than you think."

"sure."

taeyeon looks at jessica. like actually looks. instead of avoiding her, she feels herself relax. just a little. her face is soft. her makeup is long gone. but taeyeon eyes her mouth just a little too long, studies it, catches the glimmer of gloss and feels herself swallow.

"so let's talk about it then." taeyeon feels herself nearly explode. suddenly, sharply. the words fall in a jumbled mess. "you... being my emergency contact, i mean."

"i wasn't going to bring that up."

"i figured you would though?"

jessica snorts. "sure, i guess. but i was going to ease into it, you know. give you time to digest being near me again."

"it's not like you have the plague though." taeyeon rolls her eyes. "last time, i checked at least."

"maybe i'll surprise you."

jessica laughs and taeyeon sort of smiles. tightly even. they linger again. in this strange, pseudo silence. until jessica pours herself a glass of wine out of nowhere and then grabs a beer from the fridge.

"i hope you didn't go out and buy anything..."

"i didn't," jessica answers. then grabs her coat, motioning for taeyeon to follow. she shoves the beer in taeyeon's hand. "leftovers from a holiday party i had. my cousins came to visit from the states."

"that's nice," taeyeon says awkwardly. 

outside, on the balcony, she is greeted by strings and strings of christmas lights. weaved carefully into the balcony wall, through each nook. the lights circle back over a bench and then a cluster of chairs, each flanked by christmas pine.

jessica catches her staring. "in the summer, i move out the cacti in my room to sit out here."

"you like cacti?"

"a lot," jessica shrugs, sitting. she pulls her jacket over her shoulders and sips her wine. watching her carefully. "amber got me a couple for christmas."

"that's nice."

taeyeon takes one of the single chairs, away from the bench that jessica sits on and wraps her hands around her beer. she stares into the city skyline. where to begin, she thinks. then stops. mostly because there's nowhere to go with this.

but then she steals a glance at jessica. who just sits calmly. sips her wine and stares at the city line too. her cheeks flushed pink.

i missed you, she tries to say. "i should probably change my emergency contact, huh?"

"do you want to?"

"i mean... i should, right?"

jessica studies her. her expression is unreadable. taeyeon tries to gage whether or not to push forward.

"are you asking me if i mind?" jessica asks. she crosses her legs. drops an elbow over her knee. "because i'm surprised," she says. "i think we talked about this a really, really long time ago. but i would have thought you'd change it."

"i never thought about it."

jessica's expression changes into something different. something sad. something lonely. there's a little bit of pity and that flusters taeyeon, who can only turn in angry, biting her lip into the mouth of her beer.

"you can't live like this," jessica says softly. "you're allowed to be selfish, you know. you're allowed to put yourself first."

"you make it sound so easy." taeyeon swallows her beer. rubs her eyes with one hand. her shoulders drop with some weight. "and honestly," she manages, "i'd rather not talk about that... _this_ or have any kind of conversation that's going to make my heart or head hurt. i don't want to resent seeing you either. so -"

"fine."

taeyeon blinks. "what?"

"fine," jessica says. "we don't have to talk about anything. and you can keep me as your emergency contact because i'm made for those situations. i'm not squeamish."

"yes you are."

"that was that one time!" jessica exclaims, grinning. "it's not my fault sooyoung vomited all over the dorm the first time she tried alcohol. and also, i'm better in the middle of a mass panic anyway."

there's some truth to that - taeyeon picks out a number of times in her head, where it's been jessica, not tiffany or sunny or even seohyun who, if anything, is the best out of all of them, that has kept it together. and impulsively, maybe that's why it's been jessica and not anyone else. she tries to keep it thin and logical.

but still, taeyeon tries to be serious. "you don't have to."

it's probably the impulsivity of the moment. jessica jerks forward. reaches for her hand, but grabs taeyeon by the rest. her fingers curl lightly around her skin, rubbing her thumb against the bridge of her bone.

"i don't have to do a lot of things," jessica says, and it's quiet, _quietly_ , two things that sound the same but that are completely different. jessica keeps her gaze. and part of it, it's that taeyeon panics and is afraid of looking away from her.

the truth? the truth: jessica is staring right at her, straight through her, and it's a lot of different things at once. taeyeon takes it. memorizes it. studies the lines of her face and mouth and thinks _i've missed so much_ all the while wondering why it's that and not things like _i'm happy you've moved on_. it's allowances; jessica is jessica and will see other people, breathe them in and acknowledge them in ways that taeyeon has always been jealous of, has wanted to do, and everything in between. she thinks _this is why i picked you_ and picked the loudest, the hardest, and someone who'd never, ever fail in making sure what she need was heard. that's the scary part.

"thanks," she manages. then swallows. because taeyeon has to swallow like she's breathing too.

and this is how she looks at jessica - clear cut. she is bright-eyed and beautiful. sharply defined - eyes, mouth, lips (completely different, okay?) and her hands coming together over her wine glass. taeyeon watches every single, subtle movement. the way her mouth jerks over the rim of her wine glass, presses into it, and then how she swallows. a little liquid courage, you know.

in between this, it's where she kisses jessica.

 

 

 

 

 

 

"so... does she know that she's something like this?"

tiffany is the first and only that asks.

"know what? that she's my emergency contact?" taeyeon replies. dumbly. because she knows exactly what she's asking. but doesn't want to surface it nonetheless.

tiffany is clear: looks at her openly, without reservations, somewhere between sadness and jealously. her mouth is warm and thinning into some kind of sad smile. her eyes falls into something softer. taeyeon can never pinpoint her expression.

"stop lying to yourself," tiffany says too. to taeyeon. 

neither of them acknowledge it -

_you're not that great at it._

 

 

 

 

 

 

the truth:

tayeon has thought about this moment a lot. to the point where she's kissed jessica and they've ended up in a bed, one of their beds, where they are both naked and tangled and there's a tangible taste of jessica on taeyeon's mouth like she's supposed to remember it. but this isn't how it's supposed to go; acknowledging a fantasy is a lot harder than the abrupt reality, where kissing jessica is just kissing jessica and nothing else in between.

what happens -

jessica's hand comes up to cup taeyeon by the chin. her fingers pulse. she pushes at her jaw. draws back and is staring, flushed because that's all that either of them can offer to each other. there's a little bit of tongue. just enough to the point where jessica's mouth opens and taeyeon's tongue slips along her lip. it gives her chills. the kind that crawls against her spine. she hates it.

"not going to solve anything." jessica's voice cracks. just slightly. "or push me away... i'm only not going to be -"

"that's not what this is about," taeyeon mutters, and she's never, ever wanted to touch her lips this desperately. as a reassurance.

"i don't know what this is about."

jessica pulls back. slightly. the sky is low and bright. the lights glitter around the two of them. it's all really romantic; mostly, it's in a way that neither of them are ready for. beyond that, she wonders if she's dragged jessica down the rabbit hole. if asking her this opens another can of worms. literally. and maybe it's too little, too late. or something in that very nature.

but still jessica looks like this: flushed, bright-eyed. her lips pressed together, trying to swallow any sort of evidence that she's pressed her mouth against hers. that taeyeon remembers what she tastes like. even now, this second. that fuck _irene_! even though, taeyeon has met irene and likes her, making this harder and the worst. that really this isn't about how she wants to sleep with jessica and everything else in between.

"i couldn't tell you," taeyeon mutters, fades into the lights. turns her head and keeps a steady gaze on the city. like it's constant.

and maybe that's all that it is.

 

 

 

 

 

 

a fact - 

taeyeon changes nothing. that's as much acknowledgment she can give. mostly, she just updates jessica's phone number.

jessica?

jessica lets her.


End file.
